One Wedding and a Funeral
by gilmoregossiplover
Summary: The fate of Henry, Jane, and Charles Brandon after Anne Boleyn's death. WARNING: It's a spoof. Please Comment. Constructive Criticism is welcome.


Author's Note: Thank you Sarah. This was all basically her idea and I added some of my creativity. I hope you enjoy. It was a dare and probably shouldn't be taken seriously. Read on!

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(Henry's married to Jane Seymour and holding a banquet to celebrate Jane's pregnancy [she's about eight months.] At the same time Countess Capesinzski and her brother and his wife are moving into the English Court.)

Henry: I couldn't be happier. The wicked witch of Western Europe is dead. I got my beautiful, delightful wife knocked up and before I know it I'll have an heir.(To penis) Good job! (to crowd) Eat whatever you want, sleep with anyone you want. (mutters) I know I will. (Back to usual voice) And just be merry. (Tries to shot gun, but bad leg gives up and he falls. The gun goes off and shoots the woman he was planning on sleeping with that night. )[to God] Really? I thought we were friends?

(Charles Brandon helps him get up. Then he spots the beauty of the Countess Sarah and it overcomes him so much that he drops him)

Henry: Don't I have any friends? You know I think it's kharma.

(Charles really helps him up for good.)

Charles: Sorry, I just saw the most beautiful woman in the world?

Henry: You mean Jane, because it's treason if you say anyone else.

Charles: Sorry the second prettiest woman in world. (Referring to the countess) Who is she?

Henry: Oh she is really something? She's the countess of Russia. Her brother's quite important. I Guess she's okay.

Charles: Okay? She's better than okay. She's amazing. Those eyes, those huge breasts, trim body. I'm going to talk to her.

Henry: She does have huge breasts. (He has already fallen in love.)

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(Charles goes to talk to Sarah who is with a large group of people, obviously the life of the party.)

Charles: Sarah, can I have a dance?

Sarah: I'd be honored.

(They start to passionately dance and are caught up in the moment.)

Sarah: Sorry, but I just realized I don't even know your name.

Charles: I'm Charles Brandon, the king's right hand man.

Sarah: Am I supposed to be impressed by that? I mean King Henry is the devil in the flesh.

Charles: I wouldn't say that…

Sarah: I would. But let's not talk about him. Let's just dance.

Charles: I don't have a problem with that.

(They continue dancing. The music stops and hey have a moment to talk.)

Charles: Would you like to come to my bed chamber?

Sarah: What do you take me as? I'm a romantic.

Charles: I'm sorry. I really am. I haven't felt like this with a woman since my first wife.

Sarah: Margaret?

Charles: Yes.

Sarah: It really is tragic what happened to her. (A small silence.) Do you want to walk in the garden?

Charles: That would be nice.

(They begin to walk and talk the whole time.)

Charles: We've walked so long, my feet are tired.

(They sit down and she takes his shoes off. She begins massaging them)

Charles: Sorry, I have big feet.

Sarah: You know what they say about big feet?

Charles: I don't know, a big…

Sarah: No, big shoes.

(They both start laughing)

Charles: There's something about you. I can't put my finger on it. You're just amazing.

Sarah: Well you could put your whole hand on this! (She places his hand on her breast)

(They begin to kiss and then Katherine walks in on them)

Katherine: What is this?

Charles: Calm down, wife.

Sarah: You're married? (She starts running away and her barrette falls out)

Charles: Sarah! I Love you! (But it's too late, she's gone. He goes and picks up the clip) [to Katherine] I hope you're happy.

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(Charles and Henry are riding in the country)

Charles: Henry, can you do me a favor?

Henry: Yeah, what is it?

Charles: I want to divorce my wife.

Henry: Why would you do that? She gave you a boy. Once Jane gives me a boy I'll have her for life.

Charles: I'm in love with someone else.

Henry: Oh, is she hot?

Charles: Very much so.

Henry: Are you sure you just want to divorce her?

Charles: Well I really wanted to kill her, but I wasn't sure if you'd go for that?

Henry: Of course I'll go for that. I've been wanted you to join the club for months now.

Charles: Really?

Henry: Where do I sign?

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(Sarah is the center of the court telling stories. Both Charles and Henry is starring at her. Jane comes over.)

Sarah: (Curtsies) Queen. Why have you honored me with you're presence?

Jane: I wanted to hear you're story.

(She tells it and it's pretty good.)

Jane: Looks and brains.

Sarah: Thank you.

Jane: But I have brains too. One the one is three. Isn't math great?

Sarah: It really is. (Jane walks away)

Katherine: I didn't think it was that good.

Sarah: You're entitled to your opinion.

Katherine: Well I choose horrible as an opinion. (Gets up, whispers) And if I ever see you within a seventy yard radius to my faithful, loving, amazing handsome husband I will kill you.

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(Sarah is in her room. She just got an amazing necklace and thinks it's from Charles, so she tries it on. Then she hears a noise and before you know it she has hands around her neck. She turns around. It's ANNE BOLEYN. Yeah that's right. Anne Boleyn.)

Sarah: What in God's name?

Anne: (Let's go) Surprised?

Sarah: Why did you try to strangle me?

Anne: Sorry it's just an impulse. I miss my neck.

Sarah: No problem. Is this a dream?

Anne: No, it's real. I'm here I'm just dead. I'm a ghost. BOO!

Sarah: (Jumps a little) Really good! Do that again.

Anne: BOO!

Sarah: (Screams) Even better, again.

Anne: (Slaps her) Sorry, but we need to talk.

Sarah: Okay, I'm good.

Anne: My husband's in love with you.

Sarah: You get to marry in… (Thinks I mean should she say hell that would be rude) wherever you are?

Anne: Oh I'm in heaven. God felt sorry for me after I had to lay under that fat son of a bitch for so long.

Sarah: Interesting. You get to marry in heaven. Which dead guy wants to marry me?

Anne: No, you don't get to marry in heaven. I mean Henry. Why is he so interested in the ditzy ones these days? I mean Jane can't even count to three…

Sarah: I'm not ditzy. Plus Henry is not in love with me.

Anne: Umm. Yes he is.

Sarah: That's horrible. I love Charles Brandon. I don't love him.

Anne: Neither did I nor Katherine and Jane for that matter. It makes no difference. He already gave you a necklace that's like second base for him. He wants you and he'll get you. You need to run.

Sarah: Where should I go?

Anne: Back to Russia. Oh God he's coming. I smell his stench.

Sarah: I don't smell him, how do you?

Anne: When you die all you're senses are perfect. You don't know what chocolate tastes like until you're six feet under.

Sarah: Oh God, what do I do?

Anne: I have to go. Listen, just act like you love him. He hates when girls don't play hard to get. Be all clingy and he'll be done with you in five seconds.

Sarah: Thanks. (There is a knock on the door.) Who is it? (Henry walks in)

Henry: It's me. Prince Charming.

Sarah: (Runs over to him and hugs him) Why didn't you come earlier. I've waited so long for the love of my life.

Henry: The love of your life?

Sarah: Yes and you're it. Do you believe in love at first sight. I do now. Ever since I saw you I've known I want to marry you.

Henry: Really? How did you know?

Sarah: You're amazing looks and rock hard body drew me in, but your humor kept me. I love you.

Henry: I love you too.

Sarah: Wow! You're okay with this. Me being so clingy!

Henry: I usually hate in but with you it works. (He goes done on one knee) Will you marry me?

Sarah: You're married.

Henry: I'll kill her. It's much easier the second time.

Sarah: We just met.

Henry: I thought you believed in love at first sight.

Sarah: I do, just not with you. I love Charles Brandon. You really should go.

Henry: But I love you.

(She slams the door on his face.)

Sarah: Anne, he's gone. Come back! (She once again feels hands on her neck) Anne, stop it!

Anne: Sorry. It's just such a pretty neck.

Sarah: I know. Now focus. I rejected the king, help me leave court.

Anne: Alright.

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(Charles and Katherine are at breakfast.)

Charles: You know what I just realized?

Katherine: What darling?

Charles: I was stupid enough to marry my rebound. I don't love you.

Katherine: Where is this coming from?

Charles: Me! I'm over you. The king signed the papers. I'm in love with the countess. You'll be beheaded tomorrow. You should make yourself a good last meal.

(Charles goes to knock on Sarah's door. But there is no answer. He realizes the door is open. He looks around and finds a note.)

(He reads it, while Sarah's voice is reading it.)

Sarah: Charles, you're an amazing man. In my head we're married and have plenty of beautiful children with your eyes and hair. Unfortunately I've caught the king's eye. He loves me and when I was unable to reciprocate I feared for my life. I fled back to Russia. Maybe in the future you can come to be with me. However I do not wish to be a home wrecker like my new best friend Anne Boleyn. I love her, but she honestly was (is?) a whore. You can meet me after your wife is dead and buried. By the way the king knows about my love for you. So I'd watch out if I were you. Love, Countess Sarah Capesinzski.

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(There's a dinner to celebrate Katherine's beheading and Henry is avoiding Charles. Then Charles takes out the letter and starts reading it. Henry looks at it and flips out.)

Henry: That's it. She can't love you if you're dead. (He takes out his sword.)

Charles: She'll be safe if you're dead. (Takes out his sword.)

Henry: That's not fair. I think yours is bigger,

Charles: That's not the only thing of mine that's bigger than yours.

Henry: Are you insulting Little Henry.

Charles: Little Henry. You couldn't come up with a better name? Mines called Stallion.

Henry: Well I'm knighting mine. I'll use my sword. And with my approval I knight you Little Henry into Knight Little Henry. HA beat that.

Charles. Don't have to. My swords bigger.

Henry: Let's measure. (They line up there swords. Henry's is bigger) Ha.

Charles: It doesn't matter .I'll still kill you.

(They start an intense duel, but Henry is able to pin Charles to the ground and stab his arm, but Charles takes a cheap shot and kicks Henry in his bad leg. He falls down.)

Henry: That was very distasteful.

Charles: No, knighting your penis was distasteful.

(They both begin to laugh.)

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(The two of them are both on their sickbeds.)

Charles: You know we never really finished our duel. Who gets Sarah?

Henry: I don't love her.

Charles: Well I do. I love her with all my heart and soul.

Henry: Good for you. I'll send for her to come back. Once you find that you should never let that go. I made the mistake of cutting the love of my life's head off.

Charles: Anne Boleyn.

Henry: Who else? She was my soul mate and I killed her. I'll never be free of the guilt. Sometimes I think I see around the place. Like mow. (Anne has appeared and she has something behind her back.)Charles, do you see her too?

Charles: I actually do.

Henry: Sweetheart. Give me a kiss. (She gives him a kiss and then exposes what's behind her back. It's a axe.) Why do you have that?

Anne: I know it's not as good as the one they used for me. But it'll do. Fair's fair. One head for a different head. (Swings down and cuts his penis off.)

Henry: Knight Little Henry! No! I didn't mean it! You're the love of my life, not this witch.

Anne: I guess there goes the Tudor line. No male heirs. Too bad. Maybe Elizabeth will do, maybe not.

(Scene ends with Henry sobbing)

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(Henry is all better and walks to Jane's door. He pounds the door down just to show his strength)

Jane: What is your problem mister? That was a very nice door.

Henry: Is it a boy?

Jane: I'm not sure, no one invented the sonogram yet.

Henry: Is it a boy?

Jane: We can hope..

Henry: I must know. I must know it's a boy. (He takes his knife and does a c- section. He has some trouble though and accidentally takes some of her other organs out mistaking them for future kings. He finally gets to the uterus and takes a boy out.) Yes! It's a boy! Knight Little Henry did not die in vain!

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(There is a wedding going on. It's Sarah and Charles's. After the vows he puts the barrette in her hair.)

Sarah: I've been looking for this forever.

Charles: I've been keeping it in a safe place right near my heart.

Priest: You may now kiss the bride.

(Other side of the yard there's a funeral. A very little coffin is being lowered. The head stone reads Knight Little Henry- the Faithful machine that almost always delivered. Henry is the sole visitor and is sobbing. Jane crawls to the sight with organs slipping each move. She spits on it.)

Jane: Never was able to please me anyway. (She then dies.)

Henry: Shouldn't someone bury her. But don't let her anywhere near Knight Little Henry, she doesn't deserve his closeness. (Starts crying and sobbing loudly) [to God] Why? Why? Why?


End file.
